(This content is meant to be a self-assessment guide for parents and is incomplete. Children might not fully understand some terms used here).
Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it. -Pro 22:6. (This holds good for both sons as well as daughters.)
Do you
o break the God-recommended family order at home? – the husband is the head of the house; the husband must love his wife in all circumstances and the wife must always submit to her husband in all matters?
o switch on all traffic lights red, yellow, and green at the same time when your children are facing life’s challenges? (You don’t show the difference between good and evil clearly?) You cheat, speak lies, and show dishonesty but insist they don’t do these?
o go to church, read the Bible, pray, and pay tithes and offerings but exhibit very little or nothing of a sanctified life (separated from the world) that God demands from you? A very religious Chr(I)st(I)an, not a practical CHRISTian?
o seek social recognition, worldly fame / public acceptance more than divine approval?
o think of leaving your spouse and/or house now and again permanently?
o have suicidal tendencies, hurt yourself, or beat yourself on your head (in public or private) frequently?
o put on makeup and dress like a film star, showing off your private body parts?
o buy your children dress and makeup that highlights their in-ware, private body parts, and curves?
o give them a cell phone or switch on TV programs so that they don’t disturb you / obey you / eat their food when you feed them?
If “yes” is the answer to the above, you need to change!
Do your children
o have the habit of going behind girls, drug abuse, alcoholism, and cigarette smoking?
o have friends that are drug abusers, smokers, and alcoholics?
o show a bad temper and throw outbursts and cries to demand your attention or to get what they want? (Narcissistic?)
o take undue credit for success but throw the blame on others when failure hits?
o keep shouting at home as well as in public places and yell during nights unmindful of the annoyance they are causing to the people around? (Practise musical instruments?)
o always pester you for high-end gadgets and costly gifts?
o demand costly food, clothes, shoes, and other everyday needs? Biryani, burgers, pizza, and junk food many times a week?
o Take your money, bunk their school or tuition classes without your knowledge?
o talk back and try to prove that they know more than you and that you don’t have to tell them anything?
o think that submitting to you is old-fashioned? (making fun of you as Boomer uncles/people of Haider Ali times)?
o keep demanding things from others with a sense of entitlement (“Why, they have enough, can’t they do this ‘small’ thing for me?” attitude)
o want something for themselves at the cost of others? (even if others have to lose something)
o keep telling you lies to escape from the situation and then tell you afterward it was for fun சும்மா (but do this frequently)?
o default in doing homework or submitting records without any valid reason (like being sick)?
o avoid writing the true reason for their taking leave from school/college? (or, is it always, “as I was suffering from fever” or “as my grandfather passed away”)?
o hide their mark sheets and report cards from you?
o speak filthy language / bad words or use vulgar gestures / middle finger?
o listen to or watch programs that contain vulgarity, sexual expletives, and swearing (f* words and the like)?
o sing or hum film songs and rock music (only album songs?) time and again?
o put a show before you as pious and religious people on Sundays and special days while they are a different self altogether at other times?
o avoid meeting their well-wishers and those who take a genuine interest in their well-being?
o keep complaining about food, are dissatisfied with what you give them, and waste food unmindfully?
o want to be left alone most of the time, even when they are at home?
o misbehave with strangers and tend to hurt them?
o fake a headache or a call to the washroom when they are cornered with tough questions?
If ‘yes’ is the answer, you must change how you deal with your children.
When your children are at home, do your children
o obey you in everything instantly?
o honor you with their words, the way they call/address you, and with their activities?
o sit with you and spend time with you to discuss matters both serious as well as silly?
o tell you about their hobbies, interests, and their sporting heroes?
o spend their time on social media in your presence (not in their room or sitting alone)?
o first finish their chores (tidying the bed, washing, and getting ready)?
o help you with at least some small work at home?
o eat with you in the same room when they are at home?
o welcome and wish visitors, speak to them, and show at least some signs of hospitality?
o give an account of the money you give them to spend? (know the value of money and how to handle it judiciously?)
o learn that failure is a part of life?
o take your permission to buy anything?
o take a ‘no’ for an answer when they ask for you something?
o know that there are misunderstandings between you and your spouse?
o set aside the cell phone while they eat or speak to guests/visitors?
If “no” is the answer, you need to change the way you train your children in the right way!
If your children are at school or college, do you know
o the full name of the school or college your children are studying in?
o what your children are studying? when is their next holiday?
o how much is the exact fee amount they pay for courses, semesters, and exams?
o their exam scores or marks or how many arrears papers they have?
o at least two of their teachers’ names? whether they respect their teachers?
o who their best friends are and who their friends of the opposite gender are?
o who they follow on Instagram, Facebook, WhatsApp, Tumblr, Telegram, or Twitter?
o who are following them on social media?
o whether they are borrowing from or lending money to their classmates?
o if they are attending programs, functions, or parties?
o what they do at birthday parties apart from eating food?
o what time they will return from school, college, parties, or functions?
If “no” is the answer, then, you have to take efforts to set right these things.
If your children are employed, do you know
o at least some details of the company where your children are employed?
o whether the company is doing legal and ethical business?
o how much your children earn as a monthly salary and/or as a side hustle?
o how much they contribute to the family from their earning?
o how they spend their money and on whom / what?
o where they go after work or with whom they are spending their spare time?
o what is their emotional health score? (Are they stressed at their job or are happy?)
If the answer is “no”, you need to take some extra effort to know these things right away!
If you are a Believer, do you
o focus on your as well as your children’s spiritual life? (Degrees, career, success, awards, achievements, and keeping up with peers consume all your time and energy?)
o speak to them about God, His word, and faith in Him and share the gospel with them for their salvation?
o pray with them at least once every day? take them to a church gathering at least once every week?
o discuss what they heard at the fellowship or Sunday school?
o encourage them to join the school, college, or church choir to sing or play music?
o set an example to them in dealing with God-given money?
o enter the Sunday gathering at the right time?
o carry a printed hard copy of the Bible with you for the gathering?
o encourage your children to read the Bible and sing along with the congregation?
o put your phone in silent mode or switch it off so that you or they are not distracted?
o ask them to spare money from their pocket money for the offering box?
If “no” is the answer, you need to pay greater attention to their spiritual needs.
If your children are Christian, do they
o make sure they are born again and committed to the Lord before they go on stage to sing, play music or preach the word of God?
o avoid bad company, partying, or dancing in the name of choreography or worship?
o avoid using their talent in cinema, TV serials, pop, or worldly music?
o continue to practice only Christian music or photography that glorifies God?
o have a good standing Christian testimony about their lives and know how to share the gospel?
If “no” is the answer, you need to make sure these are prioritized and emphasized.
And, you are leading them to hell if you don’t change and set a good example before them. Paul says to Timothy, his son in the faith: “Let no one despise your youth, but be an example to the believers in word, in conduct, in love, in spirit (attitude), in faith, in purity” – 1 Tim 4:12. How much more, your sons and daughters! You are accountable to God!
If you are lost or have already lost your child/children to Satan, the enemy of your soul, you need to repent, return to God and cry to Him for mercy. You might win them back!
Sin does not enter heaven. People with sin in them can’t enter heaven. Where would they go?
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